The Hellsings Go Camping
by DianaPrince31
Summary: The Queen forces Integra to take a vacation and Walter chooses camping. Watch the hilarity ensue as Integra tries to relax, which is hard to do with two vampires, a lecherous mercenary and a nagging butler. Will Integra get the relaxations she deserves or are vacations overrated?
1. If Only It was that Easy

The Hellsings Go Camping

Ch 1: IF Only It was that Easy

DianaPrince31

 **Author's Notes: So I had this idea have been ruminating in my head for some time now and I decided to see how well it goes. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

It was too early in the morning to be having this conversation and yet here they were having this conversation. Walter had told Integra that she had been looking tired lately and no woman wants to be told that, so she flipped out on him and he suggested she take a vacation.

"Well let me write a memo letting all the vampires in Britain know that I am going vacation and that they can start attacking humans after I get back. Oh wait, that's a STUPID idea because satanic monsters don't take vacations!"

"Sir, you need time to rest and relax or you could do damage to yourself."

"Walter, I'm a chain smoker, I'm already doing damage to myself."

"I strongly believe that you need a vacation."

"No, I don't."

"Sir everyone takes a holiday once while to relax and refresh their body and mind."

"Your point?'

"Even your father took vacations, Sir. I believe that you should do so as well."

"Fine I'll think about it."

A month later, Walter found Integra asleep at her desk.

"Aha! I told you, you need a vacation, Sir!"

This exclamation startled the commander out of her sleep and she took out a gun and fired it. Walter had to sacrifice the tea tray and dive for cover. When Walter recovered his breath, he gasped; "You shot at me!"

"Well you started yelling, while I was sleeping!" At the sound of gunshots, Pip and several Wild Geese ran into the office and were relieved to see that it was a false alarm.

"Boss, I agree with Walter, maybe you should take a break. Also your right eye is twitching" said Pip.

"Maybe I want it to twitch!"

"Sir, I bought someone here that might be able to convince you to take a holiday."

At that moment, the Queen of England walked into the office; "Sir Integra, I hear that you are not taking care of yourself" the Queen stated primly.

"I do not know where you heard that outlandish lie, Your Majesty. But I will find the slanderer, rip out their tongue and beat them soundly with it."

"There is no need to get violent; also both of your eyes are twitching."

"What's with everyone and my damn eyes?!"

"Walter, I will leave the planning of Sir Integra's vacation to you. And Sir Integra you WILL go on that vacation and relax."

"I can plan my own bloody vacation."

"Your idea of a vacation will be sleeping in bed all day."

"That's where you're wrong, Walter. I would take the time to teach those barbaric mercenaries the fine art of fencing, by beating it into them."

"That's not a vacation, boss, that's torturing my men."

"Sir Integra, you will take a vacation, I can't have you dropping dead from overwork. And Walter don't forget to call me with the details."

As the Queen walked out of the office, Integra stuck up both middle fingers at the elderly monarch's back. Pip stifled a laugh and Walter looked appalled. When the butler returned after escorting the Queen out of the manor, Integra said to him; "I'm disappointed that you would include Her Majesty in my personal affairs."

"Well I'm disappointed that it had to come to this and that you would make such an obscene gesture."

Sticking up a middle finger at Walter, Integra growled; "Here, you can have one too."

"That is very immature, Sir."

"Like I give a fuck."

"Sir, I'm trying to help you."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

Integra took off her shoe and threw it at the butler and when it hit Walter on the head, she laughed.

"Sir! I will not tolerate being treated this way!"

The other shoe was thrown. Walter sighed, most people liked vacation.

"If you don't need anything else, Sir Integra, I will prepare for your vacation."

"There is one more thing; you still have to clean the tea set you dropped on my newly waxed floor." After cleaning up the mess, Walter left the office. He had a feeling that this vacation was going to be a difficult one. Meanwhile Integra sat in her office, scowling, when Alucard and Seras came in. Judging by the looks on their faces, Integra knew that Walter had told them what was happening.

"Master, a vacation can do wonders for the body" purred the vampire king.

"What the hell do you know, your body is undead."

"True, but I don't want to see your body age before it's time." Integra took out her gun and shot Alucard in the face several times before turning her glare to Seras; "Anything you want to say? Chose your words very carefully." The fledgling shook her head and ran out of the office. After regenerating his face, Alucard said; "You really do need a vacation, master. You look tired and your eyes keep twitching."

"GET OUT!"

This outburst just confirmed what Alucard said, but what kind of vacation would it be? He couldn't wait to see what Walter had in store for his master.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: This is the beginning of a new series. Poor Integra forced to go on vacation; at least she's not being forced to have a baby. Since the title of the series gives away what type of vacation Integra will be going on, you don't really need to guess. But in the next chapter Integra finds out, wonder what her reaction will be. See ya in the next chapter**


	2. Packed Backs and Car Games

THE HELLSINGS GO CAMPING

Sapphirewyren

Ch2. Packed Bags and Car Games

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

"Camping?"

The look of shock that now graced the commander's face was as if the invasion of the Valentine brothers was happening all over again.

"Did you just say 'camping'?"

"Yes, Sir Integra I did." Walter knew that if he gave in now everything would be ruined. Also the Queen would be very disappointed if Integra did not go on her holiday.  
"So you think that I'm going to go in middle of nowhere, live in a sack and piss outdoors!?"

"That's not what I said Sir…"

"YOU SAID CAMPING! THAT IS WHAT CAMPING IS!"

"I believe camping is more complex than that."

"I am NOT going anywhere that does not have running water!"

"It…"

"I am NOT shitting in some bushes and wiping my ass with leaves!"

"Sir Integra, please calm down. Think of your blood pressure."

"I am calm! What part of me doesn't look calm?"

Walter was wise enough not to mention her twitching eyes.

"Sir, there are bathroom facilities that will meet your standards. I have taken the liberty to of renting a cabin, so that will not be a problem. However the cabin will only be used for bathroom purposes and in case of extreme weather".

"How the hell will you know what I…" Integra noticed the look on her butler's face. "You're coming with me, aren't you?"

"Uhh…yes…" But the strange expression did not leave Walter's face.

"Don't tell me…"

Just then the door opened and Alucard, Seras and Pip stumbled in, clearly they had been eavesdropping. Integra groaned; "Let me guess, this was the Queen's idea, wasn't it?"

"Yes, she wanted to make sure you were relaxing."

"You are aware that this group of clowns are part of my stress and relaxing is now impossible, right?"

"Don't think of them as clowns, well at least not all of them".

"This is going to be so much fun, Sir!" exclaimed Seras.

"I doubt that very much."

"Well we leave this Friday Sir; that gives me time to buy you some new clothes."

"What's wrong with my clothes?"

"No one goes camping in a suit, Sir" chuckled Pip, this earned him an ashtray to the head, and it was a good thing he ducked.

"Fine, but I want my own tent; I refuse to share a tent with anyone."

Walter agreed with that and left to finish the preparations for the trip. Friday came too soon for Integra. That morning, she did not want to get out of bed, but Walter came into her bedroom to wake her up. She grumbled on the way to the bathroom take a shower. Integra hoped that Walter had sense to pack a lot of toilet paper and soap. Walter's idea of clothes for camping was definitely something she wouldn't wear; denim jeans, hiking boots, a white woman's t-shirt that for some reason had the words "Bless You" on it and a plaid shirt that was several shades of blue. Integra scrawled out the word "Bless" and wrote a word that more accurately described how she truly felt about this forced vacation. The elderly butler was not happy; "Really Sir, did you have to write that on your shirt?" he got no reply. It was a strange sight for all the people that normally wore formal or a uniform wearing casual, maybe they were too casual because Integra heard Pip say; "Hey Integra! Ya look hot in those jeans!" The director grabbed the mercenary by his shirt and growled; "Care to rephrase that, Captain?"

"Good morning, Sir Hellsing. Did you sleep well?"

"That's better."

After breakfast, the bags and camping gear were packed into a large van, of course Integra didn't do any heavy lifting. As they were leaving, a car bearing the Queen's coat of arms pulled up and the Queen got out. Integra shot a nasty glare at Walter, who chose to look the other way.

"Sir Integra, I came to make sure you were actually going through with this."

"I feel like I'm being punished for something."

"That's a bit dramatic, this merely to help you and keep you healthy."

"Gee thank you very much, Your Majesty."

"And one more thing Sir Integra, change your shirt."

Integra smirked; "What's wrong with it? Walter was the one who picked it out."

Walter sputtered; "Sir! Why would you say that?

"Because it's true."

However the monarch waved an impatient hand, "I wish you a good holiday, Sir Integra and I expect to see pictures. You know I love pictures."

Integra shuddered at recalling the time when Her Majesty called a meeting with Hellsing, but got sidetracked by showing slideshows of her latest holiday. That was the dullest nightmare she ever experienced and Integra wanted no part in it. As the Queen watched Integra and company departed, one of her bodyguards said; "That is going to one heck of a vacation." The elderly monarch nodded; "Now I wish I was going with them."

It was only a half hour and Integra was tempted to shoot herself with one of the pistols she had secretly bought with her. Someone, namely a big red doofus named Alucard decided to sing car songs, like 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. Everyone joined in the song and Integra just wanted to shoot someone. When they got to 85 bottles of beer, Integra exploded; "Will you all just shut up!?" when everyone went silent the director said; "Thank you."

Walter said: "Sir, perhaps you might want to lighten up a tad bit, you are on vacation." Walter was very lucky that he was the one driving because this prevented Integra from punching him in the back of the head. She did retort; "I'm not on vacation, I'm on a field trip with a bunch of overgrown children!"

"Pip is the most childish one here" said Alucard.

"Shut up! You're the one who's a big baby!" replied the mercenary and Seras agreed with him. Integra sighed; "Dear Lord, take me now." Since yelling at these idiots was doing nothing, Integra took out a book and a pair of noise cancelling earplugs. So for the rest of the car rides while the others mildly annoyed Walter with a game called I Spy Walter Edition and sang off key to horrible pop music and even argued whenever they got lost, Integra was laying down in the last row of the van, deeply engrossed in her book.

Soon they arrived at the campsite and everyone got out of the van. Walter took a deep breath; "Aah! Just breathe in that fresh air!" Everyone did likewise except Integra who had a coughing fit. Seras rushed over to the director; "What's wrong, Sir?"

"Lungs…not used…to fresh…air" Integra gasped hoarsely. She then took out a cigar and took a long drag. "Much better. Walter, are you trying to kill me?"

"Sir, I thought I said no cigars."

"They're the only thing keeping me alive."

"Actually boss…."Pip started to say, but Seras shook her head. Walter shrugged; it was most likely that Integra bought a whole bag of cigars. "Just try to smoke less, Sir. Alright time to pitch the tents." Integra had no clue what was so relaxing about manual labor and she was glad that she bought the Air 6 Inflatable Family Tent. With a push of a button the tent pitched itself and the best part was that it big enough for a person to stand up comfortably in and could fit six people. Walter sighed, this was not what he meant, and he had no idea that Integra bought a tent that big! But it was better than hearing her swear and curse because of her inability to pitch a tent. Everyone else's tent pitching went relatively well except for Alucard. He'd get one pole up and when he went to set up the second pole, the first would flop over and Alucard would have to go and put it up again. This happened several times and in minutes, Alucard was snarling in anger and cursing. Seras, Pip and Integra nearly burst their sides from laughter. Walter tried to offer his help, but Alucard wanted to do it himself. Forty-five minutes of struggling with the accursed tent, Alucard finally managed to get it up. "I did it!" then the tent flopped miserably to the ground. The vampire king stalked over to the downed canvas, kicked it, jumped up and down on it, tore it to pieces and then bundled the whole thing and hurled it far away.

"I'm sleeping in the cabin" the vampire growled.

"No you're not" drawled Integra "If that miserable old bag is not going to let me sleep like a civilized person, then you're not going to either."

"Which miserable old bag? The Queen or Walter?" asked Pip.

"You choose."

"So where am I supposed to sleep?"

Integra shrugged; "Don't know, don't care, just not with me."

"But master, your tent fits six people."

"So what? I need my privacy."

"Sleep with Pip" suggested Seras.

"Hell no" said Pip. "Unless I can sleep in your tent, Seras"

"Pervert!"

Walter sighed impatiently: "Why not just build a shelter, we'll all help"

"Except for me" said Integra. "That's work and I'm on vacation."

"Why do you have to be a bitch, master?"

"Because being a bitch isn't work" and then Integra went inside her tent to read another book. About halfway of building the shelter, Alucard grumbled; "I hope one of those damn cigars burns her tent down." Integra most definitely heard this remark because she exited her tent mansion, walked over to the shelter they were building and lit it on fire with her lighter.

"Oh look Walter, I made a campfire, Her Majesty would love that, don't forget to take a picture." The others just stared as Integra set up a chair and sat in it, looking smug.

"That was not nice, Master."

Before any argument could ensue, Walter remembered that at the entrance of the camping grounds, there was a store so that campers could buy any supplies they needed. He grabbed Alucard by the arm and headed there. Soon they returned, pitched the new tent and everyone was happy. Then Walter said sternly; "There will be NO burning of anyone's tent, is that understood?" Everyone nodded their heads. When evening came, Walter fixed everyone a light meal and after eating and talking, everyone retreated to their tents to get acclimated to sleeping outdoors and to their surroundings. Hopefully tomorrow would be a better day.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: I promised that this wouldn't take too long to type…last night. Sorry Shhhhh from Quotev, damn my easily getting distracted. So now the Hellsings are at the camp grounds, what kinds of adventures await them? Will Integra continue to be mega bitch? Who knows? See ya in the next chapter.**


	3. Fishing by Mid Day

THE HELLSINGS GO CAMPING

Sapphirewyren

 **Ch. 3 Fishing by Midday**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

The next morning was a warm one and Seras awoke with the sounds of birds singing, chirping of cicadas and the crackling of a fire. She was about to jump out of her sleeping bag, but remembered the previous evening. Integra was kind of being a mega bitch, actually not kind of but was and this made Seras want to stay in her tent. No one enjoys a trip when one person was being cranky the whole time. But then again Seras thought to herself; "I shouldn't be the one to stay in my tent, she should!" and with that she exited. Seras was surprised by the sight, Walter had set up a table with chairs around it. On the table was a breakfast of eggs, sausages, flapjacks, muffins, fruit and tea. The draculina looked over at Integra who was sitting in one of the chairs, sipping a cup of tea. She didn't look pissed or agitated and her eyes weren't twitching. In fact the commander looked relaxed, one with her surroundings. Integra looked up at Seras and said with a smile; "Good morning Seras, you had a good sleep, I hope?" Seras stared open mouthed at the woman for a second before saying; "Uh…uh…good morning Sir. Yes my sleep was good." As Seras made her way to the cabin to shower and freshen up, she wondered what had happened in the middle of the night that changed Integra's mood, either way Seras hoped that this new attitude would stay.

Breakfast was a dream comes true, with everyone in high spirits. But Walter felt that there was something brewing on the horizon. Integra was planning something, but even she wouldn't dare sabotage this trip, especially since the Queen commanded it. Would she? Integra could be as unpredictable as Alucard if she so chose, but this holiday was ordered by the Queen and she would want to see pictures. Just then the butler heard a voice; "Walter?" He looked across the table at his boss, who wore a concerned expression on her face; "You've been spacing out for the last couple of minutes. Is everything alright?"

"Oh sorry, yes everything is fine…just thinking of a couple of activities we could do while here." The expression didn't leave Integra's face and Seras cheered.

"What are we going to do today?" asked Pip.

"Just some midday fishing. Whatever we catch, we'll cook for lunch" replied Walter.

"What if we catch an old boot?" asked Alucard.

"That's what you're gonna catch, but me, I'm gonna get a big fish" laughed Pip.

"I'll get the fishing rods and the canoes are down by the pier" said Walter. Seras frowned, she was hoping that they would do something less boring and she said so. Pip looked shocked; "Boring? Fishing isn't boring! It's invigorating! It's…"

"Sitting in a boat with a stick over water sounds boring to me" said Seras.

Pip shrugged, he was eager to start fishing. When they arrived at the pier, Pip who considered himself the resident expert on fishing showed the rest how to bait their hooks. Both women looked grossed out at the sight of stabbing a worm through a pointy end. Soon everyone's hooks were baited and the canoes were put on the lake. Seras wished she had bought something interesting to do instead of just watching the still water. "Sir, I'm bored!" sighed Seras.

"So am I, that is why I bought a book" replied Integra calmly.

"Can you read your book out loud?"

"No."

"I'm sure it would be more interesting than this."

"I assure you, to you it won't be."

"Anything is more interesting than this."

"I'm not reading it out loud."

"Please?"

"Do stop whining and no."

"You're being cranky again."

"Yesterday was far from my worst."

Seras slumped on her seat, just then her rod started shaking.

"What do I do? What do I do?"

"Try not to rock the boat so much" said Walter. Pip helped Seras reel in a 13 inch bass. Everyone was impressed and Seras was giddy; "That's the biggest fish ever!"

"Actually when I was younger…" started Pip before he was interrupted by Alucard; "No one cares Pip." The mercenary glared at Alucard, who returned one of his own. Walter said; "Pip, you may tell your story later, right now it is Seras' moment." The rest of the fishing trip went swimmingly, well except for Pip and Alucard. Walter and Integra both caught well sized fish, but none bigger Seras' first catch. Seras caught three more large fish. Alucard caught that old boot he had asked about previously but tossed it back. And the expert fisherman only caught a 2 inch fish. After another hour out on the lake, Integra decided that if she spent another minute in a boat, she would toss her breakfast, so the group headed back to the campsite. Alucard laughed at Pip for not having caught anything decent, even though he claimed that he was the expert. It stung even more when Seras tried to defend him: "Maybe he'll catch something the next time."

Walter then showed them how to skin and clean the fish, something that Integra showed great interest in.

"Why so interested in the skinning of fish, Master?"

"This could be a great punishment for when you do anything extremely stupid, Alucard."

Alucard chuckled, so now he knew why Integra wanted to learn how to skin and gut a fish. Even though Pip didn't catch much, he tried to be a good sport about it, but Alucard was not having it. "You didn't catch any fish because your face scared them away."

"You caught a boot, you big red dummy!"

"True, but even the boot was bigger than your two incher."

"Well it was your ugly face and jacked up teeth that scared the fish!"

While the mercenary and vampire were arguing, Seras decided to pick some flowers, while Walter cooked the fish and Integra read. After lunch of fish, rice and vegetables was eaten and everyone relaxing, a loud shout came from Pip's tent. The Frenchman dashed out of his tent covered in red fire ants and ran howling all the way to the lake. Walter, Integra and Seras looked on in shock, while Alucard laughed manically. The commander glared at the vampire and asked; "What the hell did you do?"

"Nothing, master."

"Do not lie to me."

"I may have put a couple thousand fire ants in Pip's sleeping bag."

Integra sighed; "I really hope you two are not going to be pulling pranks on each other this entire trip." Walter went to retrieve some ointment to help soothe Pip's stinging bites, while Integra fished around in her mysterious duffel bag.

"I wonder what is in there" pondered Seras.

"Seras, can you rub this cream on my back?" asked Pip with a goofy grin. Alucard ground his teeth in anger as his fledgling actually agreed to do it. Pip gave the vampire a smug smirk and Integra found what she was looking for.

"Alucard, I'm going to need you to remove your pants."

"Uh…yes Master."

"The underwear goes as well."

Walter could only gasp and Seras covered her eyes. The vampire king did as he was told, unsure of what Integra was going to do. The commander handed Alucard a pair of fishnet stockings made of blessed silver. Of course this was humiliating and painful for Alucard and Pip roared with laughter.

"I have a pair for you as well, Pip, so you might as well stop laughing. You two are to wear those until I say otherwise. This will teach you to do stupid things and ruin my vacation."

Chapter End

 **Author's Notes: Raise your hand if you thought I forgot about this. I kinda did since I am writing Hellsing Law and Order, so I will try and be more timely about updating. (Hopefully). Integra's in a good mood…everyone run! More camping silliness in the next chapter. See ya in the next chapter!**


	4. Just Bear with Us, Will you?

THE HELLSINGS GO CAMPING

Ch 4 Just Bear with Us, will you?

Sapphirewyren

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

The next day was also a sunny day and instead of just sitting around the campsite, Walter decided that everyone needed to stretch their legs and see what nature had in store for them, so he suggested a nature. Alucard wanting to be a difficult turd said he wanted to stay back and sleep since vampires don't take hikes.

"If I have to suffer this injustice, so will you Alucard" said Integra.

"But vampires don't…."

"I don't care what vampires do or don't, you're coming."

After packing some light snacks and trail mix, Walter led the group towards a popular hiking trail.

"I just hope he knows where he is going and doesn't get us lost" muttered Pip.

"I heard that" said Walter flatly.

"What if there are bear here?" asked Seras.

"Don't worry Seras, I will protect you" said Pip.

"Or you could distract the bear while the rest of us run" said Integra. Seras had high doubts that Integra would run from a bear, the bear was more likely to run for her, that and the commander had to deal with Alucard on a daily basis.

"No bears are going to come near us as long as we don't bother them" said Walter, settling the conversation, which with the entire talking no one would see anything. Soon everyone got into the rhythm of walking quietly and observing their surroundings. They heard the songs and cries of different types of birds. There were plenty of pretty and colorful flowers to see and smell. And they saw a small herd of deer, several rabbits and even a fox.

The group found a small patch of blueberries and decided to take a break from walking to enjoy the wild berries and trail mix. The atmosphere was relaxed and everyone was in a good mood, even Alucard who at first didn't want to go. As the group was amicably chatting, a rumbling sound could be heard. It sounded like the noise an empty stomach would make but only deeper and louder. Everyone was still for a few minutes and the sound came again.

"What was that?" asked Pip hoarsely.

"It was a bear, of course" said Integra.

"Sir, that is not funny. No bear…" started Walter until he saw what Integra was looking at. A large brown grizzly was glaring down at them. He did NOT like intruders in HIS berry patch. Alucard took out his Casull and said; "This will be dealt with swiftly."

"No!" cried Seras. "Don't kill it!"

"Why not? What if it attacks my master?"

"Then I'd be out of this hell" said Integra.

"Just run!" screamed Pip who took off like a bolt. Just as the bear was going to chase him, Seras tackled it like a linebacker. The bear clawed at the vampire while she put it in a headlock. The grizzly and the vampire grappled and wrestled, each trying to get the upper hand, but in the end it was Seras who won and she was able to subdue the angry grizzly into submission. After a couple of minutes of grumbling and growling the bear lumbered off.

"It looks like he was telling to you" said Walter.

Seras giggled; "He just said he wanted a rematch later on. Where's Pip?"

"He ran off like all cowardly Frenchman do" scoffed Integra. "After claiming he would protect you."

"Remind me to smack him when we get back, Sir."

"With pleasure."

Chapter End


	5. Training Wheels

**THE HELLSINGS GO CAMPING**

 **DianaPrince31**

 **Ch 5. Training Wheels**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Pip felt bad about what had happened the day before; there he was bragging that he would protect Seras from any danger and instead he ended up running like a bitch. To make things worse, Seras had first slapped him- and that hurt, but now she wouldn't talk to him or look in his direction. Alucard was enjoying it, with that damn smug smirk on his face, Walter preferred to stay neutral and Integra didn't care about what she called their 'lovers spat' saying they had better get over it. If only it was that easy. Giving her flowers would work if they weren't in a campsite surrounded by them and there were chocolates, but Walter was saving them to make s'mores. Integra said; "Why not make her a card that says 'I'm sorry I ran like a little bitch' and maybe grovel a bit".

"That's not very helpful, Sir."

"You're apology is going to have to wait" interrupted Walter "Today we are going on a bike trail."

"And if you see any more bears, Pip, you can get away twice as fast" said Integra, while Alucard roared with laughter. Pip wore a sour expression on his face, he had to find a way to redeem himself. And the opportunity presented itself when Seras said; "I...I don't know how to ride a bike." Having your parents slaughtered and living in an orphanage doesn't give a child many chances to learn.

"I can teach you...if you want me to" offered Pip.

"You will, thank you Pip!" exclaimed Seras.

Alucard was about to remind Seras that she was angry at the mercenary and promised never to talk to him ever again in a million years, but a sharp elbow to the ribs from Walter shut him up.

"Why aren't you on your bike, Alucard?" asked Integra.

"It's rented" said Alucard.

"I'm not buying you a bike."

"I'd rather walk anyway."

"He doesn't know how to ride a bike either" said Walter. Alucard tried to convince them it wasn't true but they didn't believe him. Bicycles were not invented during the time Alucard was alive so he would have never gotten a chance to learn either. Walter smiled and said; "Remember when you were five-years-old and I taught you how to ride a bicycle, Sir Integra?"

"I also remember accidently kicking you in the bollocks in excitement" the heiress chuckled.

"That is pain, I'll never forget." A gleeful squeal from Seras got their attention as the draculina whizzed by them on her bike; "I know how to ride a bike!"

"That was fast." said Walter as he applauded.

"Pip is a great teacher!"

"I just hope the 'great teacher' taught her how to stop" mused Integra. Good news, he did and everyone could see the large grin on Pip's face. It got larger when Seras stopped long enough to kiss him on the cheek and chirp: "All is forgiven! Thanks Pip!" The only one not smiling was Alucard; as a matter of fact he looked as if he wished he could push Pip into a vat of acid. "Are you going to teach Alucard how to ride next, Pip?" asked Integra, with a smirk that stated that she already knew the answer.

"I don't need his help" growled Alucard. "It is a simple human contraption, how hard can it be?"

A half hour later, the vampire king found out just how hard it could be, he couldn't quite figure out how to balance and peddle at the same time. Alucard would try to balance but then he wouldn't peddle and vice versa. He also fell over numerous times and it did not help that the others either all trying to tell him what he was doing wrong or laughing. After a while Alucard gave up and with a slew of swear words that was unlike him tossed it to the side. Alucard walked behind the group, pushing his bike, as they merrily wheeled their way down the bike trail, passing a crystal blue lake, an awe inspiring waterfall and a field of beautiful flowers. "I hope we see another bear" Alucard said grumpily, hoping to piss off Pip or at least make Seras upset with the Frenchman. But Pip grinned and said; "Well we do have five bikes, if you're not going to ride yours, the bear can." Everyone cracked up at this remark, while Alucard scowled more. After another hour, the group stopped to eat a packed lunch and to rest before heading back to their campsite. When the group arrived back, Alucard stomped off to his tent muttering about revenge, but unfortunately for him, his master heard him and grabbed him by the ear. "I do not need you or Pip ruining this holiday with your idiotic pranks. If you do anything stupid, we will immediately go back so I can seal you in the basement for another 120 years, am I clear?"

"Yes, Master."

"Good, now say 'cheese'".

"What?" A bright flash went off in Alucard's face leaving him dazed for a second.

"The old bat said she wanted to see pictures and so far all I got was one of my middle finger, my bare ass, you falling off your bike and one with both my middle finger and bare ass. Don't ask how I did it."

Chapter End

 **Author's Notes: Those pics…..ok so I hope you guys enjoyed another chapter of this fic. Will add about 4 or 5 more chapters to this fic, including another bear, so yay! See ya in the next chapter!**


	6. Hi Ho Silver Away

**HELLSINGS GO CAMPING**

 **SAPPHIREWYREN**

 **Ch 6. Hi Ho Silver Away**

 **Disclaimer:** **I do not own Hellsing**

Alucard was not happy about the bike riding incident, in fact he was pissed. He didn't see why that had to be part of the list of activities anyway. Who'd want to ride a contraption like that anyway? And then there was Pip smirking at him because he had taught Seras how to ride and now she had forgiven him. How he loathed the Frenchman! But then Walter told them the next day to that they would be going horse back riding and that was right up Alucard's alley. And to top it off, the vampire was willing to bet that Pip didn't know how to ride a horse; this would be fun. When the group reached the park stables a lady with brown hair in a ponytail greeted them; "Hello, my name is Brenda and I will be your trail leader for today. Ok so who here knows how to ride?" Alucard and Integra raised their hands and the lady said "Ok, that is fine. We have some horses who are gentle with riders with little to no experience. So let's go and meet them."

At the stables there were at least twenty horses, all who seemed eager to see the new comers. But when Alucard walked into the stables, havoc broke loose. The animals began to whinny and scream loudly, kicking at the walls of their stalls, trying to get away. Brenda ran from stall to stall with the help of fellow employees trying to calm the horses down, but to no avail. Integra knew immediately who the culprit for the animals frightened state and told Alucard to go outside. Once the vampire was gone, the horses became less nervous and Brenda looked at the group with concern and confusion. "What is with that guy?" Integra and Walter looked at each other, how would they explain what Alucard was without probably getting kicked out of the camping grounds. (Integra had no problem with cutting her holiday short.) However they didn't need to answer the question because Seras was gently talking to the horses, reassuring them that Alucard would not harm them. If they actually believed that was anybody's guess, but the vampire could enter the stable without the horses trying to tear it apart. Now that the animals were used to the dark vampiric, Brenda introduced Pip, Walter and Seras to some of what she liked to call the 'teaching' horses. "They will let you know if you are doing something wrong" she chuckled. Pip chose a cinnamon brown mare named Cinnamon, for her coat. Seras got a brown and white spotted Appaloosa named Sprinkles, who kept nuzzling her hair. "He's a very friendly gentlemen, you chose well" said Brenda. Seras patted Sprinkles' muzzle. Walter got a gray gelding called Timmy. "We wanted to call him Grayson" said Brenda. "But he wouldn't respond to that name." Walter chuckled; "He's used to being called Timmy. Well how about it, Timmy, you wouldn't mind showing me some of the trails around here?" Timmy nickered softly which Walter took for a yes.

Alucard had his eye on a large black stallion at the back of the stable, but Brenda said; "Sir, I advise against riding him, he's not called Diablo for nothing. That and he's more of a 'ladies man', though we have yet a woman ride him."

"I can handle the silly beast" scoffed Alucard.

That was not Diablo's idea though, he reared up lashing his hooves out every time Alucard got close. "Stop doing that, you stupid horse or I will eat you" snarled Alucard showing fangs. But the horse bared his teeth and snapped at the vampire king. Integra didn't want to find out if animals could become ghouls and was going to drag the vampire away from the angry horse. When the director approached, Diablo forgot all about Alucard and stretched out his neck towards Integra. Now Integra just gently pushed the horse's head aside, so she could get Alucard to choose another horse, but apparently that contact sent Diablo spiraling in love. "There are plenty of horse here, so pick one and be quick about it!" snapped Integra.

"But I don't wanna" whined Alucard.

"I don't care what you want, do I look like I have all bloody day?"

"Fine, I'll pick another horse, Master."

Brenda gave Walter a strange look and whispered; "Did he just called her 'master' or I am hearing things?"

"It's a thing…uh…"faltered Walter, he had forgot how they were to address Integra.

"You didn't hear wrong, he's my slave…"

But now Brenda wasn't concerned about that whole slave/ master thing as she was to how Diablo had gotten out of his stall and was now standing behind Integra.

"It seems like you have a fan" said Seras. In his mouth Diablo held a bridle and he nudged Integra.

"Fine" the heiress conceded. "But no funny stuff, you hear me?" The stallion nodded eagerly and Alucard scowled. He had wanted to be the one to bring the horse to heel, but he had to admit at least Diablo had good taste in women. But that didn't mean everything was good for the vampire king, not a single horse in the stable wanted him on their backs and since Integra did not have all day, it meant that Alucard would have to walk, something that he refused to do. "Well we do have a donkey named Piggy" said Brenda. "He loves children."

On the trail, while everyone was riding horses, Alucard and Piggy was bringing up the rear.

"This is embarrassing" mumbled Alucard. His knees practically touched his forehead and it didn't help that Pip kept turning in his saddle to take pictures. The donkey snorted as if to say; "You're not the only one who is embarrassed" to which Alucard responded; "Shut up, your name is Piggy." At that Piggy decided that he no longer was going to walk and promptly sat on his haunches. The trail ended up with Alucard carrying the donkey and Piggy grinning like an idiot. The day pretty much sucked for Alucard and the only consolation he got was that Pip was saddle sore from riding. That night the group was awoke from a startled shout that came from Integra's tent; "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU DAMNABLE BEAST!" Everyone saw Diablo tearing through their camp with the angry heiress running after him. Diablo had found their site and decided he wanted to spend more time with Integra. "IF I SEE YOU AGAIN, YOU'RE DOG FOOD!" As Diablo raced back to the stable, he promised he would find out where Integra lived.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed. I might write a chapter about Diablo in The Hellsing Chronicles (that crazy horse). I may also might write a backstory about how Integra got Baskerville in Hellsing Witch Hunter 1616. Yes I do like writing about horses, they're so cool. Ok see ya in the next chapter. Be sure to check out my other stories.**


	7. I'm no Picasso

THE HELLSINGS GO CAMPING

DIANAPRINCE31

 **Ch. 7: I'm No Picasso**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

The day after horseback riding, the sky was filled with gray clouds that dropped torrents of rain upon the camping grounds. This ruined everyone's moods and Integra said in a surly voice; "Someone forgot to check the bloody weather!" But Walter kept hope and positivity alive by allowing everyone to spend the day in the cabin instead of in their tents. That was a good thing for the cabin was quite spacious for everyone to be comfortable and it was well furnished. Most importantly it was dry and warm. Walter put a on a kettle to boil and bought out paper and pencils.

"How about some drawing?" he suggested.

"I wanted to play a game" said Alucard.

"Every time you play a game, you're either a sore loser or a sore winner. You are no fun to play with."

Everyone else nodded their heads in agreement while the vampire king huffed. Seras also had an idea for the drawing; "We could write down suggestions of what to draw and everyone randomly pick one."

"Great idea, Seras" said Pip, who did not want to spend all day thinking of what to draw. So everyone wrote down a person, a thing and an animal, the slips of paper were folded and placed in a jar and then everyone picked one and drew it.

About forty-five minutes later everyone was ready to show their art work. Alucard had to draw a motorcycle, Seras got a bunny; (she drew more than one bunny of course), Walter had to draw a house, Pip got a computer and weirdly Integra had to draw the Queen.

"Someone is clearly fucking with me" she sighed. Everyone's pictures looked like what one would expect of their ages and artistic experience. Of course everyone thought that since Integra grew up all rich and fancy, that she would have exceptional drawing abilities…yeah that didn't happen. The drawing of the Queen was a stick figure with what was supposed to be her hat and a big round head.

"Are those parentheses lying down?" asked Walter squinting at the image.

"Those are her wrinkles" deadpanned Integra.

"That drawing is so bad, it should count as treason" said Pip, who immediately hid behind Seras when Integra fixed him with a nasty glare.

"Well how about we draw another?" suggested Walter and all agreed. And when they revealed their pictures again, Integra's drawing was another "Guess what the hell this is game". It was another person; a circle head with two inverted triangles, several triangles sticking out the top, a stick body with two large circles in the front.

"What is that supposed to be, Master?"

"It's Seras, you moron!"

"How is that supposed to be me? It looks nothing like me!"

"Then two circles are…." started Pip, who didn't dare finish the sentence. Everyone looked at each other, then at Integra.

"Well, she clearly isn't flat chested!"

Seras turned red and grabbed the paper and tore it up. "Sir, your artwork borders on insulting!"

"Strange, Sir Integra has remarkable penmanship…this is something I can't understand" sighed Walter. Alucard however was having fun and sliding another sheet of paper to his master he said; "Draw a horse" and why Integra obliged him, no one would know. Maybe she figured out a new way to punish people. When the commander was finished drawing the horse, everyone was floored. The horse looked as if he would gallop off the page and into reality.

"This is magnificent, master."

"So pretty!"

"Wow, way better than the Queen picture."

"What a lovely picture, Sir."

"I know." Wait….I know? Everyone looked at Integra and she said; "I suck at drawing people."

"You could have said that in the beginning" said Seras.

"And miss the looks on your faces? Where is the fun in that? Also Seras, your bunny needs a lot of work."

Everyone decided that Integra's drawings of people could be used as punishment because who wanted to be drawn that badly.

"Walter, how about I draw a picture of you?"

"No thank you, Sir"

"I insist and I expect it to be framed." Walter sighed and if anyone asked, Integra figured she could tell them that Alucard drew it.

Chapter End

 **Author's Note: Who knew that Integra couldn't draw people? She can't be good at everything.**


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